The first Boondocks fanfiction without a plot!
by Mr. Toffee
Summary: I honestly don't believe that there is any point to my story so far. Also, just to clear up any confusion people might have regarding my values, let me make one thing clear: I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.
1. G4 Blows My Nads

_**Disclaimer- I do not own the Boondocks or any show on G4 or anywhere else and if you honestly thought I did, leave now.**_

* * *

"G4 blows my nads"

"It's not that bad; "X-Play" is pretty good"

"Shit, "X-Play" doesn't make up for all the birdshit everywhere else"

Huey watched Riley and Jazmine argue over the sound of Kevin Pereira and Olivia Munn discussing the newest Youtube "Epic Fail" (which today was called "Whale Homosexuals" or something like that).

"All they show now is "Cops 2.0" for ten fucking hours a day"

"I think you're exaggerating a bit"

"No shit, Sherlock"

"Would you guys shut up!" shouted Huey, "I'd rather listen to a speech by Ron Paul than listen to another minute of your inapplicable disagreement". Huey grabbed today's newspaper and got up to leave.

"Wait, where are you going?" asked Jazmine.

"Out"

"Can I come with?" she asked hopefully, her green eyes shimmering brightly.

"No"

When Huey got outside, he saw an old black man named Uncle Ruckus outside causing a Ruckus (that _was_ supposed to be joke). In fact, he was spouting out some very peculiar phrases.

"BUTT FUCK!!!"

"What!?" asked Huey, "what did you say?"

"You heard me Ronald McGoddamn Donald"

"Uhhhh, yeah. By the way, Grandad told me that you got kicked out of a "Lens Crafters" the other day. What happened?"

"I walked in to pick up my fucking glasses… And I couldn't stop calling people Dicks!!!"

"So they kicked you out?"

"Yeah, and then the manager called me a Dumb Ass, like he's my dad and shit"

"You seem a little more "crude" today than usual, Ruckus"

"SHUT UP!!!! You can go to "Jolly Pirate Donuts" and take a 2 hour shit for all I care!" Ruckus exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a piss and when I come back I'm going to talk about "The Mighty Ducks" movies"

Huey decided it was time to go. When he got to the end of Timid Deer Lane he saw Tom DuBois and his Grandad arguing. "Great" he thought, "another irrelevant argument".

"I don't care what you say!" said Tom, " "Saved by the Bell" was and is one of the best shows of all time"

"Shut yo' effing mouth!" shouted Grandad, "I thought you was supposed to be black. You'd do good to study your heritage"

"Do _well_" Tom corrected.

Huey didn't feel like seeing another black man get beat so he kept on walking. He decided that he might as well head up to the hill where he always goes to read the newspaper. When he reached the top of the hill, he leaned his back against his favorite tree and started reading the headlines:

_"If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while" _

_"War dims hope for peace"_

_"Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency"_

_"Cold wave linked to temperatures" _

"_Child's death ruins couple's holiday" _

"_Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years" _

"_Man is fatally slain" _

"_Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say"_

"_Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation"_

* * *

But while Huey was reading, unbeknownst to him, another young boy was sneaking up on him. "Hi Huey!" 

Startled, Huey jumped up from his sitting position, "Who the hell are you?"

"It's me, Caesar"

"Who?"

"Your best friend! We make commentary about current issues almost everyday!"

"Wait, are we talking about the show or the comic strip?"

"The strip!"

"Oh. Well that ended in 2006, so you might want to just leave, no offense"

When Huey got back home, he found that Jazmine and Riley had apparently left the living room, so he decided to watch some T.V. When he turned it on he found that NickatNight was already on and it was in the middle of an episode of "Home Improvement":

"_Mr. Miller let's me rent snowmobiles for free" Tim said_

"_Wow! I'm sooooo lucky to be married to a man with you're kind of connections" his wife said sarcastically._

"_You better shut the fuck up before you get raped, then murdered… I'm not joking"_

"_Tim, I think we should get a divorce"_

_"Why?"_

* * *

"Oh my gosh!!!" exclaimed Huey, "I can't believe how young Tim Allen looked back then"

* * *

**_I hope not too many people are offended so far._**


	2. Lego Cornwallis

_**Disclaimer- Once again, I don't own anything and if you are not liberal, you probably shouldn't be watching the Boondocks.**_

* * *

The next day, Huey woke to the sound of Hannah Montana's song, "The Best of Both Worlds". "Oh goddammit!!!!!! Well this is a great freaking way to start the day. Why is this even on?" He looked over at his brother who had just accidentally unplugged his headphones from the computer while listening to i-tunes.

"Riley, this isn't even funny. You should honestly be ashamed of yourself"

"Whatever, negro. She's hot!"

"No she's not"

"Shut up!"

Downstairs at the breakfast table, Huey noticed that Grandad was packing a suitcase.

"Grandad, where are you going?"

"What makes think I'm going somewhere, boy?"

"Just the fact that your packing a suitcase"

"Well, I can assure ya, I ain't goin' anywhere"

"Sure"

"You don't believe me do you?"

"No"

Ding-Dong! When Huey got to the door to answer it he found a crying Jazmine DuBois on his front step.

"Huey!" she cried, "I can't find my daddy anywhere! I think he's been arrested again!

"No he hasn't"

"How do you know?"

"Because he's standing right next to you"

"Hey Huey" said Tom, "Has your grandad finished that lego version of British General, Charles Cornwallis, yet?"

"Oh" said Jazmine, "Well while I'm here, do you want to do something today?"

"Not really"

"Come on! You know you want to!"

"Well, when you put it like tha- no"

"Boys!" came Grandad's booming voice from inside the house, "Leave me alone today go somewhere else…and tell Tom to go away"

"Well I guess I don't have a choice now" said Huey, "C'mon Riley"

As the three kids walked down the street, Huey looked behind him and saw Grandad sneaking out of the house with his suitcase.

"Grandad! Where are you going?"

"Nowhere…leave me alone!"

After the children had walked a few million millimeters down the street Riley said "Yo bitches n' hoes, where the fuck is we goin'. We better not be goin' anywhere near Drummer Lane because there are a few drug lords I owe some money too around dere. But we can head over to Meadow Drive; I have a few hoars over there that I need to check up on, if you get ma' drift"

"Riley, you do realize you're 8 don't you?" asked Huey

"Mang Huey, you must be trippin' with yo bitch-ass self"

"Hey Jazmine" said Huey, "do you like Hannah Montana"

"Ewwwwww no. Are you kidding me?"

"Hey, shut up! Yous just be haters!" cried Riley.

"So what do you guys want to do today" asked Jazmine joyfully.

"How about we all #!$! (censored)" suggested Riley.

"Riley what the hell is wrong with you?!" shouted Huey.

"You have a lot of problems Riley!!!" screamed Jazmine.

"What, all I said was that we should pretend to like Ronald Reagan"

"We are never letting you suggest anything for us to do ever again!" exclaimed Huey.

* * *

**_Sorry this chapter was shorter, but it felt like a good place to end it._**


	3. BigAss Living Room

**_I realize a lot of people probably don't like this story, but I would just like to thank the people who actually took the time to write reviews. I know this fanfic is a lot different than most others on this cite (which are, by the way, very good) and I highly appreciate the people who support it._**

* * *

When we last left our heroes, they were battling the most fearsome villain of them all: the evil "not having anything to do today because of a combination of differing views of opinion and losing most of your imagination due to an excessive amount of television" monster.

"Yo" said Riley, "Why don't we just go ova to Thugnificent's house. He's a pretty fly guy"

"Wow Riley!" exclaimed Huey, "That sounds like a great idea, except for the fact that we just walked two miles in the other direction!"

And so, it follows that on their way back to Timid Deer Lane, the trio was never seen or heard from again (by Bob Saget).

Finally, they reached Thugnificent's house, but he was nowhere to be found. Instead, he was over at his next door neighbor's house, putting something in their mailbox.

"Yo mang! Watcha doin'?" inquired Riley.

"Not much, little man. I just took a picture of myself and I'm putting it in all of my neighbors' mailboxes"

"Yeah, this was a _really_ good idea" said Huey.

The gang went inside Thugnificent's house.

"Ha ha" laughed Jazmine as they all sat down in Thugnificent's big-ass living room.

"What are you laughing about?" asked Huey

"Thugnificent's a funny name"

"Anywayz" interrupted Riley, "Watcha bean up tar lately 'Nificent"

"What?" Thugnificent asked. " 'Ring-Ring', Oh excuse me, my homeboy's callin'. (To homeboy) Yo Boomhower! What it be? Me? Not much. How's Ladybird been hangin'. That bad huh? Well give my best to his widow. C-ya!"

"Hey Thug, what was all that shit about" asked Riley

"Wha'?"

"The whole "Boomhower" and "Ladybird" thang"

"Oh that. Well me a ma peeps decided to give each other "King of the Hill" names"

"Alright, I think it's about time we left" intervened Huey.

"Yeah, I think your right" agreed Riley.

As they were walking home:

"Hey guys, I'm still here" said Jazmine.

"I know Jazmine, you're walking right in front of us" pointed out Huey.

"Well, I haven't spoken in awhile and I didn't want anybody to forget about me"

At the Freeman residence:

"Grandad?" said Huey, "What are you still doing here? I thought you had left"

"Of course I haven't boy. I told I wasn't goin' anywhere"

"Oh, okay"

"And what are you three doin' back from school so early?"

"School? Oh yeah! Today's Wednesday, isn't it? Oh well"

* * *

**_Ya still like it?_**


	4. The Anime Club

**_A lot of the stuff I put in this story I just think of at school and I write them down._**

* * *

_"Well gang, let's find who the Princeton Pervert really is" said Fred._

_Shaggy pulled off the rather tight mask to reveal: "A skeleton?!" they all shouted._

_"Actually" said Velma, "this isn't the Princeton Pervert, and this man wasn't wearing mask"_

_"Oh_"

* * *

"They sure don't make em' like this anymore" said Huey. 

It was the next morning and Riley and Huey decided that they would watch some T.V. before school.

"Aww shit!" said Riley, "Here's a commercial for another one of those "Air-Bud" movies":

_"**Snowbuddies!!!"**_

_"It's my dream come true!" said the yellow dog, " I'm surrounded by vanilla ice cream!"_

_"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's snow, dumb-ass"_

* * *

"Boys" yelled Grandad, "Get yo' black asses to school or so help me I'll delete your saved game for "Final Fantasy X-2" off of your red Playstation 2 memory card" 

"Fine, we're going!" they shouted in such perfect unison that it was very creepy to listen to.

At school:

"Hi guys!" said Jazmine cheerfully, "Isn't it a beautiful day today?"

"I don't know, it's kind of hard to tell while we're inside!" pointed out Riley.

"Riley, why don't you ever look on the bright side? The world is filled with such wonder and magic and it is such a joy to live in. Huey, you know what I'm talking about, right?"

"Have we met?"

"Ring-Ring"

"Why do all the doorbells, phones, and school bells sound the same?" asked Huey, "Anyway, come on Jazmine, we've got to get to class."

So, Huey and Jazmine went to class and Riley went to jail, but that's a different story.

When the two arrived to class, they found that an argument was already in progress between two oddly dressed youths:

"Troop 602 pwns, bitch!"

"You don't know what the hell your talking about! 459 is the best Cub Scout troop!"

"Are you high? Seriously, because you must be if you actually think that a troop that hasn't even gotten their knot-tying badge could actually beat a troop that has won the Pinewood Derby two years in a row!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"_White boys_" thought Huey.

Just then the teacher walked in, "All right class, settle down" said Mr. Michael Jackson, "Let's get to work; don't let my name distract you now"

"Uh, Sir?" said Huey, "You've been our teacher for almost a year; I think we've gotten used to it"

At lunch:

You see, the lunch system at J. Edgar Hoover Elementary was as followed: the kindergartners ate first at a staggered start followed by the first graders who alternated with the third graders every second and fourth Tuesday and- you know what? You probably don't care. Let's just say that by some odd coincidence Riley was having lunch with Huey and Jazmine.

"… and that's why the War of the Spanish Succession couldn't hold a candle to 'Alice in Wonderland'" explained Riley.

Just then a group of kindergartners ran up to their table:

"Would you gwown-ups like to donate to the Anime Club?"

"Not really" said Huey.

"Come on Huey! It's for a good cause" said Jazmine.

"Sounds like it. But I guess I can spare a quarter"

"Thank wou mista"

"Anyway" continues Riley, "So I says to Mabel, Mabel I says…"

But Riley was cut off by:

"Hey asshole! You tryin' to fuckin' stiff us?"

Huey looked over just in time to see a plastic Elementary school chair flying at him. Well, I guess it wasn't just in time because it was a direct hit. Huey was knocked out of his chair onto the ground.

"Huey!" shouted Jazmine.

"Damn" said Huey, rising to his feet, "What the hell was that?"

Scanning the lunchroom for the culprit, he quickly noticed that it was the kindergartners from the Anime club.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Huey, walking up to the little bastards. But before he could got too close, one kindergartner quickly leaped up to him and did a reverse roundhouse kick (look it up) to make Huey lose his balance, and while he was falling, the kindergartner kneed him in the face. "I guess they know more about anime than I thought" said Huey (in his mind).

"You gave us a fake quarter you lousy piece of shit!" said the leader of the kindergartners, "Real quarters are supposed to have eagles on the back. This has a fuckin' state!"

"Uhh, exactly how many quarters have you actually seen in your life?"

"Shut up!" And just as the leader was about stomp Huey's face in, he rolled over, caught the kid's foot in midair, and held him upside down.

"You need to learn your currency, bitch" and Huey threw the leader into the rest of the Anime club and knocked them all out.

"Yay Huey!" shouted Jazmine as she ran over to hug Huey.

"Easy Jazmine. I did just get hit with a chair"

"Yeah, your ass was gettin' beat" pointed out Riley.

"Easy for you to say" said Jazmine, "You were under the table, in fetal position, sobbing the entire time"

"That's deeply disturbing" also pointed out Huey.

* * *

**_I'm going to start writing a different kind of story now, but don't worry (to those of you who actually care), I will still be continuing this story._**

**_P.S.- please review!_**


	5. Pseudopods

**_Sorry this update took so long. I would like to thank YoungNeil who added this story to his favorites. Thanx. By the _****_way, I do not own this Beatles song. Also, this isn't a Valentines Day Story. _**

* * *

_Tuesday afternoon is never ending._

_Wednesday morning papers didn't come._

_Thursday night you stockings needed mending._

_See how they run._

That pretty much summed up Huey's last three days. In short, he wasn't having a good week.

**The next morning:**

"Huey," shouted Grandad, "Take the dog out!"

"We don't have a dog, Grandad"

"Then go to school!"

**At school:**

"I like S's," explained Mr. Michael Jackson, "But everyone thought my S's looked like 5's, and, uh…, some hurtful things were said- anyway, I'm not going to get into it"

"Uh, Mr. Michael Jackson?" asked a student

"Yes, Nattapong?"

"Is Michael Jackson your last name?"

"Yes it is"

"Then what's your first name?"

"OJ"

**At l****unch:**

"You know, I don't get something" said Riley.

"What now?" asked Huey.

"Why do they say the better of two, but the best of three?"

"Because you touch yourself at night" said Cindy McPhearson walking up to their table.

"Of course I touch myself" shouted Riley, "How else is a negro gonna change inta his pajamas?"

"What do you want, Cindy?" inquired Huey.

"I just came over here to invite Jazmine to sit at the cool girls table"

"Aye, how come I can't sit with y'all" asked Riley.

"Because you're not a girl…"

"Makes sense" said Riley.

"...and you're not cool"

"Makes sense" said Riley.

**Two minutes later:**

……………………….

**Five minutes later:**

……………………………………………………..

**Ten minutes later:**

"All right, he's not getting it" said Huey.

"So what do you say, Jazmine?" asked Cindy.

"Only if Huey can come"

"Uh, Jazmine?"

"Fine" agreed Cindy

"Jazmine!"

"Yay, let's go Huey". Jazmine pulled Huey from his seat to the cool girls table, which just happened to be one table over, for no reason.

"JAZMINE!"

"Yes Huey?"

"I don't want to sit with the cool girls"

But it was too late for our young gallant, for he was already across enemy lines, the line being sanity.

"Hey girl!" Two girls sitting next to Huey were having a conversation, "When I was playing the Sims 2 yesterday, I created a family of people that look similar to my family, and they even have the same names!"

"That has to be the single best thing that I have ever heard of in my entire life"

"I hereby call this meeting of the Cool Girls Club to order" said Cindy, "Any new business? Oh yes, we have two new members. Let's all give them a round of applause"

They clapped, or, applauded.

"On to other matters. I hear from a reliable source that there is a klepto janitor at our school! He could steal things from our lockers!" They all gasped.

"Uh, excuse me?" asked Huey.

"Yes?" said Cindy

"Well, it's just that, we're in elementary school; we don't have lockers"

"Maybe _you_ don't"

"Do you?"

"No"

"Ring-Ring"

"Finally" thought Huey.

"Well 'gang' " said Cindy, "Until next time"

**Hallway:**

Huey and Jazmine were walking back to class together.

………………………………………………………………………………………

I didn't say they were talking.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

But they were.

"So what did you think of the 'cool' girls?" asked Huey.

"Well, they were cool and all, but I think that they're just a little too naïve for me"

"You're going to buy the Sims 2 tonight, aren't you?"

"Yes" she admitted.

**In class:**

"Okay class, let's actually learn something today" stated Mr. Michael Jackson.

"What subject do I teach again?"

"You're an elementary school teacher; you teach all of them" said Huey

"Oh, right, RIGHT! Let's learn a little Biology! Pseudopod means _false feet_, which fits because they help eukaryotic cells move. I have a great pseudopod story for y'all:

Okay so when me and my friend were in college, we snuck onto this golf course right, and just as we were leaving, this guy drives up to us in one of those little motorized cars and asks us, "Who are you two?". I had to think fast, so I said we were caddies, but then he goes and says, "I'm the caddy-master. I know every caddy like the back of my fuckin' hand!". And then he pulled out a shotgun, kicked my friend in the balls, turned him around, and pointed the gun at his ass. "I have half a mind to blow your fuckin' scrotum out! But I was a kid once, and I did the exact same thing. I'll let you off easy. Run off you little scamps""

"How does that have anything to do with _pseudopods_?" Huey asked.

"Ring-Ring"

"Thank god" said Mr. Michael Jackson out loud.

* * *

**_I would also like to thank Tani-Ni who left the first comment (not by me) for this story._**


	6. Ace Gorbinski

**_I would like to give thanks to Trigger Mike the Great for spitting out his A&W root beer._**

**_Warning- This chapter is a bit random._**

* * *

"I'll TAKE those!"

"Help me, somebody please help me! He's stolen my socks!"

It was a breezy mid-afternoon in Juneau, Alaska and it had just gotten breezier with the robbing of a 96 year-old woman.

"Why won't any of you fucking assholes help me!?"

SWOOSH!!!

"HOLY SHIT!" exclaimed the population of Juneau, for flying across the sky was a burnt umber hang glider, piloted by a man dressed like a draft dodger from the Civil War.

"Do not fear!" said the sky sailor, "I will stop him!"

And with a flick of his wrist, he was swooping down.

"Clinkers!" was all the robber had time to say before he was crushed by the descending hang glider. After the smoke cleared (wherever the smoke came from) the citizens saw a man walking away from the wreckage, holding a pair of amputated legs.

"Are these what you're looking for?" the man asked the old lady, pointing to the international orange colored socks on the feet of the legs.

"No, those aren't my socks"

"Oh". But as the man began to walk away, a woman in the crowd shouted out, "Who are you?"

"The name's Gorbinski, Ace Gorbinski"

**DuBois residence- main bedroom:**

"Tom!"

"Uhhh, wha?" Tom said drowsily.

"You were talking in your sleep again" his wife Sarah, told him, "Ace Gorbinski again, huh?"

**The next morning- Huey, Riley, and Jazmine walking to school:**

"Bark-Bark!" barked a dog as the kids walked by it.

"Bitch" stated Riley.

"Riley!" said Jazmine, "I bet that if you got to know him, he would be really nice to you"

"No chance. It's one of those weird brownish-grey dogs that barks at everybody"

**J. Edgar Hoover Elementary- deserted:**

"Wait," said Huey, "Where is everybody?"

They looked around the school's campus (if you can call the area around an elementary school a "campus"), but there was no trace of any kids for at least a .2 mile radius, or a .4 mile diameter!

Then it hit Huey.

"Oh shit, it's-"

"Well, well, what do we have here?"

"Saturday" Huey finished.

"If it isn't my favorite group of children that aren't the color of paper towels"

"Hello Mr. Michael Jackson" they all said, except for Riley because he has never met Mr. Michael Jackson before, and except for Jazmine because she was in the process of chewing gum at the moment, and except for Huey because he just didn't want to.

"What are y'all doing here on the weekend?"

"I could ask you the same question, except for the "y'all" part because you are obviously only one person" said Huey

"What do you mean? I always come to…" asked Mr. Michael Jackson.

"What do you mean 'What do you mean'?" interrupted Riley, "All he said was that he could ask you the same question! What kind of awful human being can't even understand one of the oldest phrases in the entire fuckin' language!?"

"Which language?"

"All right, that's it". Riley pulled out his 1930's vintage Enfield revolver and shot Mr. Michael Jackson in the thigh.

"Riley!" shouted Huey, "You didn't let him finish!"

"Hmmmm" Riley pondered.

They stood there, looking at Mr. Michael Jackson's bleeding form.

"Uh, are you okay, sir?" asked Jazmine.

"What? Oh this? It's not the first time this has happened to me. Don't you kids worry about this patriot"

"You don't even want an ambulance, or anything" Huey asked, slightly concerned.

"What did I just fucking tell you!? I'm fine! GODDAMMIT, would you just fucking leave me alone! if i could move, i would get up right now and beat each and every one of your faces in with a rusty Chimney Sweep and drink what comes out!!!! It's Ass-Clowns like you that are making this planet a flaming, humid, incandescent, thermogenic, blazing, blistering, boiling, broiling, burning, searing, fevered, sizzling, feverish, aroused, scorching, fiery, lustful, on fire, scorching, SweetlySpicey, ovenlike, heated, parching, febrile, piping, roasting, scalding, igneous, baking, smoking, calescent, steaming, conflagrant, stuffy, ardent, sultry, tropic, sweltering, sweltry, torrid, tropical, very warm HELL-HOLE!!!!

Riley looked at Huey.

"If you must" said Huey, "Just keep it below the waist"

And Riley shot Mr. Michael Jackson in the groin.**

* * *

****Author's Note-** Uhhhhh…, yeah. That doesn't seem quite right. Sorry, I'm trying to defeat Omega Weapon in Final Fantasy VIII at the same time as I'm writing this. Let's rewind, shall we? (Dammit, he used Flare again. He's so much harder than Ultima Weapon!).

* * *

When Huey got back home, he found that Jazmine and Riley had apparently left the living room, so he decided to watch some T.V. When he turned it on he found that NickatNight was already on and it was in the middle of an episode of "Home Improvement":

"_Mr. Miller let's me rent snowmobiles for free" Tim said_

"_Wow! I'm sooooo lucky to be married to a man with you're kind of connections" his wife said sarcastically._

"_You better shut the fuck up before you get raped, then murdered… I'm not joking"_

"_Tim, I think we should get a divorce"_

"_Why?"_

* * *

**Author's Note-** Whoops, too far back.**

* * *

** **Freeman Residence-**

"Hey Huey, I've got a riddle for ya" said Riley, "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in an 'uck'?"

"Firetruck" sighed Huey.

"No, fuck"**

* * *

****Author's Note-** Too far forward.

* * *

"Okay, have it your way" said Huey.

Before she knew it, she was lifted into the air and was being carried on the shoulder of Huey Freeman.

"_Wow, he's actually carrying me!" _she thought, _"Wait, wait! What am I doing? This is about him! You've got to stick to the plan, Jazmine! But he's so strong"_**

* * *

****Author's Note- **Oh, c'mon! That's not even the right story. One more try.

* * *

Riley looked at Huey.

"Hell no! Give me that!" Huey exclaimed, grabbing the gun, "I'm Liberal! Ever heard of a thing called gun control?"

* * *

**_Also, thanks to SweetlySpicey for laughing and calling me a cutie._**


	7. I am the Walrus

**_Merci pour tous les commentaires toute le monde! I do not own the Boondocks or this awesome Beatles song. Also, I know some of you guys don't like original characters that much (DarkPhoenixSaga), but you are just going to have to live with it. _**

**_p.s.- Charlie and all the other original characters are inspired by real people! Isn't that cool? No, it's not._**

* * *

Charlie Montague is an odd one. 

_I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together._

_See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly._

_I'm crying._

He stands at whooping 4'7, has black hair, is white, and likes to play video games. Now, if this doesn't seem odd enough for the average 4th grader, just wait.

**Monday- J. Edgar Hoover Elementary- Lunchtime:**

Huey and Jazmine were eating their lunches together when...

"What's up, bitchaz?" asked Charlie, walking up to their table.

"Charlie Montague?" asked Huey, "What are you doing over here?"

"What the fuck do ya' think I'm doin' over here? Downloading the biggest file I can find using dial-up? Because I'm definitely not doing that!"

"Well, don't you usually sit somewhere else?" Huey asked.

"I'm gonna have to stop you right there" Charlie said. He then sat down at the table, across from Huey and Jazmine.

_Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come._

_Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday._

_MAN, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long._

_I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,_

_goo goo g'joob _

**Five minutes later:**

"So in conclusion:" said Charlie, "Crazy Horse was a famous Indian, fag agenda, I have a dick, and THAT'S ENOUGH PROTEIN FOR A WEEK!"

Huey and Jazmine just sat there with their mouths open.

"Hey, you guys are pretty cool" stated Charlie, "My friends and I should sit with y'all"

"I really don't think that's such a good…" started Huey, but it was too late. Charlie had already gestured to three people sitting at a table across the lunchroom, and they were getting up. Sooner or later, they were all sitting with Huey and Jazmine.

Charlie's three friends were as followed:

Rory Trunkler- Rory is pretty much a pro-gamer. He pwns n00bs all day long in Azeroth and beyond (World of War Craft). Yes sir, he has major Uber Micro. But it's not just RTSs he's good; he can play FPSs, RPGs, MMORPGs, etc. with extreme hacks.

Daniel Miller- (A/N: That's me!) Daniel doesn't talk a lot. He is tall, has blond hair, and I don't really have anything else to say.

And, Benvolio Howard- Ben is an angry Taiwanese boy that no likey: Super Conservatives, assholes, religious fanatics, any sport in which a ball flies through the air, Akon, Paris Hilton, Scientologists, bigots, racists, morons, landwhales, hippies, peter puffers in HAL Summerschool. In other words, assholes, things he sucks at and things that simply fucking suck balls.

_Mister City P'liceman sitting_

_Pretty little policemen in a row._

_See how they fly like Lucy in the Sky, see how they run._

_I'm crying. _

_I'm cry------------ing, I'm crying._

"What, Charlie" asked Daniel, unexcited.

"We're going to sit with these two from now on, bitch" said Charlie.

"Wow, that last part was so necessary, it's pretty much blowing my mind. Anyway, nice to meet you" Daniel said, shaking Huey and Jazmine's hands, with Ben and Rory following suit.

"Okay, back to our discussion" said Charlie, "Huey, I have a question for you"

"Okay, I guess" said Huey, slightly fearful of what would come next.

"Who was more of a war hero, John Kerry or John McKain?"

"I don't know"

"John Kerry. He had his sack ripped off in Vietnam"

"God, Charlie. What the fuck is wrong with you?" asked Ben.

"Hey Ben, there's a new dick in town. Go suck it"

"Moving on" said Rory, "You know how I was saying my I-Pod was broken, yesterday"

"No"

"Well, I was just about ready to take it into a repair shop…… and I did. Now it works again"

"Interesting" said Daniel sarcastically.

"Ring-Ring"

"_Thank god"_ thought Huey.

_Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye._

_Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,_

_Boy, you been a naughty girl and you let your Knickers down._

_I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,_

_goo goo g'joob._

**Mr. Michael Jackson's class:**

"Okay, I can't stress this next part enough" said Mr. Michael Jackson, "Pissing out the window and shitting out the window are two different things!" 

"Uh, sir?"

"Yes, Jazmine"

"How come you don't have a cast?"

"Because I'm not directing a play, silly"

"She means a cast for your leg because you got shot" stated Huey.

"Now who ever said I was shot, you cute little children"

"No one, I saw it. I was literally standing about two feet from you when my brother shot you"

"Huey Freeman, you had better get your mother fucking, god damn ass to the principal's office right now, or so help me, I will train your neighbor's dog to become the next Air Bud"

_Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun._

_If the sun don't come, you get a tan from_

_Standing in the English rain._

_I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,_

_goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob._

**Principal's office:**

"That's it!" shouted the principal, "I have had enough of your bullshit! You're expelled!!!"

"No!!! How am I ever going to start a revolution and become a black activist like my hero Huey P. Newton now? My Grandad's going to kill me!"

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!"

"Sir?" said the secretary, "Huey Freeman's here to see you"

"Okay, send him in. And you, Hugo Freedman, get out of my sight!"

Hugo ran out just as Huey came in and sat down.

"What seems to be the problem, son?" asked the principal, addressing Huey.

"Mr. Michael Jackson sent me down here because- well, I don't really know why exactly"

"That's it, detention. Dismissed!"

Huey sighed and got up to go to go to go to go to go to go to the detention room because school, coincidentally, school just happened to be over.

_Expert texpert choking smokers,_

_Don't you think the joker laughs at you? (ho ho ho, he he he, ha ha ha)_

_See how they smile like pigs in a sty, see how they snide._

_I'm crying.  
_

**Detention room:**

Huey stepped into the detention to find… "Daniel Miller?" 

"Hmm? Oh hey, Huey" said Daniel.

"What are you doing here? You seemed like the halfway sane one at lunch"

"I could ask you the same question" Daniel said, "You being here is as wrong as my ill-fated rap career…

**Flashback- Woodcrest recording studio:**

"Are you sure you want to go through with this, Dan?" asked the owner of the recording studio.

"It's all good my "homie"! I am original gangster straight from the neighborhood"

"All right, here goes nothing" she said as she prepared everything, "Go!"

"_I'm in love with a granny! _

_She's moanin', she's groanin'_

_I'm in love with a granny…"_

**Present- Detention room:**

"Yeah…, not a time in my life I'm particularly proud of. Still, it wasn't as bad as my Hip-Hop phase" 

**Flashback- Same place:**

"_My pokemon brings all the boys to the yard, _

_And they're like "you wanna trade cards?"_

_Damn right, I wanna trade cards!_

_But just not my Charizard!" _

**Present- Do I really need to tell you?**

"Anyway" said Daniel, "What're you in for?"

"I don't know" said Huey, "You?"

"I glued a penny to the ground and watched people try to pick it up"

"Maybe you're not as sane as I previously believed" stated Huey.

"Oh, I was only trying to trick Cindy, but you know how greedy people can be" explained Daniel.

"That's better, I guess. But why Cindy?"

"Because she's my twin sister"

**M. Night Shyamalan:**

"What a twist!"

**Detention room:**

"But your last name is Miller" pointed out Huey.

"Not really. But if I would have said my last name's "McPhearson" earlier on, you would have figured it out immediately"

"And what's wrong with that?"

"Well, since I'm pretty much an OC, it wouldn't make much sense if Cindy suddenly had a new family member without a little introduction"

"The hell are you talking about"

"I don't know"

_Semolina Pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower._

_Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna._

_Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allan Poe._

_I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,_

"What did you just say!?" asked Huey.

"Hm? Oh sorry, I've had that song stuck in my head all chapter"

_goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob, goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob, goo goo  
(rhythmical speaking along with juba's)._

_Juba juba juba, juba, juba, juba, juba, juba, juba juba. Juba juba...  
(speaking) _

--Repeat (eventually juba's will stop) and fade until end.—during the fade out background vocals:

_[Simultaneously: 'Everybody smokes pot' and 'Oompa, oompa, stick it up your joompa' [jumper_

* * *

I know I broke the fourth wall! 


	8. Mike Rotch

**_I know I haven't updated in a long time, but I'm sure you found something to keep you busy._**

* * *

"I wonder what ever happened to Cristal"

"What d'ya mean, Grandad?" asked Riley.

"I mean why didn't she ever come back? She promised she would. What happened to her?!"

"Uh..."

**Flashback- Immediately after episode 3 of season 1:**

Cristal ran up to the front door of the Freeman residence.

"You know," she said to herself, "now that I think about it, living with the Freemans and becoming an honest member of society does seem like the right thing to do"

It was pretty late so most of the lights in the house were off, but she still had to be a big bitch and knock loudly on the door.

"Hello! I've come to live with your family!" exclaimed an excited Cristal to an annoyed Riley who answered the door, "Where's my room?"

"It's back the way you came" said Riley, loading his shotgun.

**Present:**

"... I dunno' what happened to her"

"What?"

"What?" asked Riley.

"I asked 'what happened to her?' and you said 'I dunno' what happened to her'. Why'd you include the question in your answer right I after I asked it? All you had to say was 'I dunno'"

"I dunno' why I included the question in my answer"

"Shut the fuck up, boy"

"Go buy some bird!" shouted Riley.

"What did you say to me!?" exclaimed Grandad, "C'mere, boy". Grandad grabbed Riley and started whipping him with his belt.

The door opened and in came a police officer, "Hello folks! Just doing my monthly black people inspection- OH DEAR LORD!" shouted the officer when he saw an old man with his pants around his ankles struggling with a weeping eight year-old.

**Police Station:**

"Morning! Today's forecast calls for blue skies!"

"I told you not to do that anymore" said a police officer to an inmate. "Anyway," said the same police officer, moving over to a cell with an old man and a weeping eight year-old in it, "you two are going to be in here for a long time"

"For what!?" asked Grandad.

"Rape"

"But if I was the one being raped, why am I in here!?" asked Riley.

"Shut the fuck up, kid!" shouted the police officer, "Don't make me take off my belt"

"Can we at least know your name so we can stop referring to you ' the police officer'?" asked Grandad.

"Mike Rotch"

"Well Mike Rotch," said Grandad, "How many times do I have to tell ya? I'm not a pedophile!"

"Hey!" shouted Mike, "Don't say anything bad about pedophiles. They help the community by providing jobs for the police officers, forcing people to lock their doors, keeping kids in line…"

"Then if we're pedophiles, why don't you let us out!?" shouted Grandad.

"Ah Ha! A confession!"

"Man," shouted Riley, "This is some old bullshit! Not new bullshit, old bullshit!"

**Five days later:**

"Hey Grandad?"

"Yeah boy?"

"Did you know that in the Wizard of Oz, the scarecrow represented farmers during the Great Depression?"

"Really?"

"I don't know, maybe"

"Hey fellas!"

Tom DuBois had just walked into the small holding room of the police headquarters.

"Tom?" questioned Grandad, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, Jazmine came home from school a few days ago…"

"Sounds like something she'd do" claimed Riley.

"Exactly!" shouted Tom, "Anyway…"

**Flashback- A few days ago:**

"Jazmine, where were you three hours ago?"

"School"

"Are you wearing socks right now?"

"Yes"

"Do you have a car worth over 2,000 dollars?"

"No"

"What are you listening to right now?"

"You"

"Ever go to camp?"

"Yes, twice"

"Last play you saw?"

"Richard III"

"Was Mr. Freeman arrested for anally raping Riley?"

"Yes"

"What does your last text message say?"

"**GTFO! UR a bobleyscrub ;D** -Cindy"

**Present:**

"Hey you!" shouted Officer Mike to Tom, "You're under arrest!"

"What!?" shouted Tom, "Why!?"

"Because it's got to be a crime to look that good"

**Ten days later:**

"You know what?" asked Tom.

"Yes, I do" said Riley.

"I just realized something. Why is my last name 'DuBois'? I'm not French, my family wasn't French. What the hell is wrong with me!?"

"You know what 'DuBois' means in French?" asked Riley, "Some wood"

"And another thing" began Tom, "I don't even know how to spell my name properly. Is it 'DuBois' or 'Dubois'. Everything's to confusing!"

"God Tom" started Grandad, "You must have such a horrible life"

"Thank you, Robert! Finally somebody understands what I have to go through"

"All right" interrupted Officer Mike, opening their cell door, "You're free to go. I've had my fun with you (interpret that however you like)"

**One hour later- Freeman Residence:**

"Huey! We're home!"

"Tom, why don't you go do that at your own house?" suggested Grandad.

"But Huey doesn't live at-" (The front door slammed shut).

"You guys left?" asked Huey, stepping into the foyer.

"Of course, boy!" shouted Grandad, "We've been gone for fifteen days!"

"Now hold on" said Riley, "I thought we had only been gone for ten days. Remember when it said '**Ten days later:**'"

"Yeah, ten days after the '**Five days later:**' part, which equals fifteen"

"No, fuck you, it was ten days"

* * *

**_So, uhhh... what's new with me? Well if you knew that, I'd be concerned._**


	9. Irony

_**I really missed writing this story.**_

* * *

_We now return to Tyler Perry's House of Payne:_

"_OW! You just shot me through the hand with a nail gun!"_

"_That's nothing. That guy just broke both my legs with a crowbar!"_

"_Yeah, well, I got you both beat. Madea just came in and ripped my dick off with a meat hook!"_

"_Well ain't that a motherfucker."_

"Boy, stop watching t.v. and get to the bus stop," SHOUTED GRANDAD!

"Well ain't that a motherfucker," said Riley.

"What did you just say boy?"

"Chill out Grandad. I heard it on t.v."

"Well, I am not going to put up with that language in my house….. you motherfucker."

"Grandad," Riley sighed.

"What?"

"You, ah, you just said it."

"I don't care. Now get to the bus!"

Grandad proceeded to push Riley out the front door.

"Talk about irony," whispered Riley to no one.

But on the other side of the door, Grandad was grinning like an asshole.

"What Riley doesn't know is that I was intentionally being ironic. But by the time he figures that out I'll already be in Mexico."

**On the bus:**

Riley walked down the aisle towards Huey and Jazmine.

"Hi Riley," said Jazmine.

"Hey Jazmine," replied Riley.

"Hi Riley," said Cindy McPhearson behind Riley.

"Oh, hi Cindy," responded Riley, turning around.

"Hey Riley," said Butch Magnus, sitting a few seats away.

"Hi," said Riley, getting frustrated.

"Sup' Riley?" said Thugnificent, a few more seats away.

"Hi!"

"Hey Riley," said Leonard.

"Hi!"

"Hello Riley," said Rev. Rollo Goodlove.

"HI!"

"What's goin' on Riley?" asked a Pimp Named Slickback.

"NOTHING!"

**A few hours later… on the bus:**

"I think I'm lost," said the bus driver.

"Man, fuck this," exclaimed Thugnificent, "I've been on this bus for like three fucking hours. This is too much to put up with for just one joke."

"No one forced you to come here," said Cindy.

"Yeah. In fact, you're the one who called everyone and told us to ride a school bus all morning until Riley Freeman got on just to say hi to him," added a Pimp Named Slickback.

"It did kinda suck as an idea, sir," agreed Leonard.

"I also think it was a bad idea," said Rev. Rollo to make sure no one forgot he was there.

"Well, like the little girl said, no one forced you to come here," retorted Thugnificent.

"Yeah, but you gave us each $5,000 to go along with this dumbass prank," said a Pimp Named Slickback. "How could we refuse?"

"All right, that's it." Thugnificent pulled out a desert eagle and pointed it at a Pimp Named Slickback.

"I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF Y'ALL'S OPINIONS! IT WAS A GOOD IDEA! IT WAS!"

Thugnificent whispered into his eagle's ear and then shouted: "GO HERMES!"

Hermes flew majestically from his perch on Thugnificent's arm and sunk his claws into a Pimp Named Slickback's face.

"OW! GET THIS BITCH OFF ME!"

Hermes then flew back to Thugnificent's arm.

"Well done Hermes," said Thugnificent, "Now go, fly back to the desert where you've built your nest."

Hermes flew out the window and back to Arizona, but it took him a while.

"I think this calls for a celebration!" exclaimed the bus driver, "Forget school. I'm taking you all home right now!"

**20 hours later:**

"Grandad!" shouted Huey, "We're home!"

No one answered.

"Grandad?"

Meanwhile, Riley found a note in the kitchen.

_Gone to Mexico_

"It was intentional," said Riley, "It was always intentional."

**Mexico:**

Grandad looked up at the sky.

"If that bird's looking for Arizona (which I'll assume it is), it needs to head back the other way."

* * *

_**A desert eagle's the name of a gun by the way. **_


End file.
